Want to know how to make friends at university? Open to discovering if an ancient source could help you figure it all out?
In this piece, we share five ancient sayings on friendship to help you think through what you want – and what you don’t – from your uni friendships, because *spoiler alert* you don’t have to be besties with everyone you meet in week one.
If you’re anything like me – hey, fellow introvert – the thought of making friends at university will feel pretty daunting. (Seriously, who wants to let me in on the secret of what makes a good conversation starter?)
But I have good news: I’ve been in your shoes. And I’ve come out the other side. Better yet, five years post-cap-and-gown, the friendships I forged at uni remain some of my closest to this day.
But how do you go about making friends at uni? And how do you make friends at uni if you are shy?
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But maybe you’re thinking, ‘Okay, but how do I go about finding the right friendships and working out who my people are?’ Perhaps you’ve ended up in friendship groups that weren’t really the right fit for you in sixth form or at college, and you want to be a bit more mindful of your relationships going forward.
In response to that, I want to share five quotes from a book called Proverbs. Found in the Old Testament bit of the Bible, it’s been helping people figure out what a good friend looks like for thousands of years.
And personally? I like to think of this text as an ancient equivalent of a Pinterest board, packed with top tips and wise words on how to get through life. So, what makes a good friend, according to Proverbs? And how can you be a good friend in return?
‘The sweet smell of incense can make you feel good, but true friendship is better still’ - Ancient Hebrew poetry
As a lifelong introvert, this age-old quote really resonates with me. Why? Because it’s easy to think us introverts don’t need – or value – social connections in the same way that extroverts do.
But that absolutely isn’t the case.
Sure, I find large gatherings quite overwhelming, but chuck me in a coffee shop with one or two of my closest friends and I’ll chat away for hours on end – and love it.
Wherever you fall on the introvert-extrovert spectrum, we all appreciate and seek out sweet friendships – ones that don’t leave us feeling drained or disheartened, but refreshed and reenergised.
As you meet people at uni, notice who makes you feel this way. Who do you love spending time with?
And if big crowds or nights out aren’t your thing but grabbing coffee between lectures is how you recharge with your new-found friends, do that. And grab a sweet treat while you’re there.
‘Do not forsake your friend or a friend of your family, and do not go to your relative’s house when disaster strikes you – better a neighbour nearby than a relative far away.’ - Ancient Hebrew poetry
Moving away for university?
For a lot of us, uni is the first time we’re properly away from home, family and home friends, too. And, let’s be honest, that’s pretty scary.
When I first went to uni, I got struck with homesickness pretty early on. But, with time and building new friendships, I got through it.
And trust me, I know it feels daunting but it’s important to get out and meet people, to build strong friendships and find people who are going to support you through moments of homesickness or periods of exam stress and be there for the good times, too. And there will be a lot of those – there’s a reason why people say the uni years are some of the best of your life.
So, sure, you might not be besties with every single one of your flat mates and those across the corridor, but seeking close connections – geographically and emotionally – is always a good idea. Especially if you manage to lock yourself out of the flat ...
‘As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.’ - Ancient Hebrew poetry
Who are you friends with right now? Are they similar to you, or do you have different views on things? Do they help you grow as a person?
Often, we think our friends basically have to be carbon copies of us. We have to be into exactly the same things. We have to share exactly the same views.
And although our similarities help us connect to others easily, that doesn’t mean we have to agree on everything.
In this quote, Proverbs isn’t saying we should spar with our friends, but it is saying we should be able to challenge each other with the goal of bringing out the best in one another. Even if that means disagreeing every now and then, good friendships are a place for us to grow.
You might be reminded of this verse as you explore and join different societies at uni. Maybe you’ll find people who are very similar to you, and you’ll instantly click over your shared interests.
Or perhaps you’ll want to join a society that takes you slightly outside of your comfort zone where you’ll meet people who might have different outlooks on life. As you each offer your perspectives on the world, you’ll have a chance to ‘sharpen’ and refine each other.
Or maybe you’ll find friends on your course who approach experiments or language analysis differently to you. What can you learn from each other?
‘Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared’ - Ancient Hebrew poetry
This one is for all those out there with major people-pleasing tendencies.
When you start out at uni, the chances are you’ll feel pressured to make friends with everyone you meet, or to stay friends with people you met on day one.
But you don’t have to. Not everyone is going to be your person, and that’s okay.
The Bible celebrates good friendships, but it also warns against the danger of falling into friendships that aren’t good for us – ones that can cause harm, make us feel pressured to do things that don’t align with who we are, and don’t help us grow as individuals.
And if I’m the only person who tells you this, let this be your official reminder: you don’t have to be besties with everyone. You don’t have to stay in friendships that aren’t for you. There are endless chances to find and make friends at uni – and not just in freshers’ week.
As you settle into uni, notice how those around you make you feel. Do you enjoy being in their company or do you feel unsettled?
Maybe this is a chance to reevaluate some of your friendships as you step into this new chapter.
‘One who forgives an affront fosters friendship, but one who dwells on disputes will alienate a friend.’ - Ancient Hebrew poetry
Okay, someone needs to say it: you’re going to disagree with people every now and then.
If you're living in halls, the kitchen is probably going to get messy pretty quickly. You might attempt to set up a cleaning rota – that some won’t follow. Maybe some of your housemates will want to stay out until the early hours of the morning while others might prefer quiet nights in with a good movie ...
In short, it’s an argument waiting to happen.
The reality is that relationships are messy and there are going to be times when you don’t agree with your friends – whether it’s a simple misunderstanding or it’s a dealbreaker.
The Bible’s take? It offers guidance that isn’t always easy to follow – and that’s to forgive.
Forgiving our friends – whether they’re flatmates or not – is hard, especially if they don't see eye to eye with you, or maybe even take on board what you’ve said.
But how can you approach your relationships with a forgiving mindset? Can you find ways to draw a line under a difficult situation? How can these kind of scenarios be used to help you evaluate which friendships are worth fighting for?
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